whinny queen of outburst

yes, im behaving like a whinny queen of outburst. actually when u think about it, i whine and torture only myself. numerous monolouges. and trust me i can sooooooo torture my brains with it. its such a pity to those who will eventually get the impact of my outburst. of cause most of time its the boyfie that gets it. i wonder if outbursting is part of a package or deal when u sign up for a relationship. normally we sign up to be happy and share all happy moments but at the fine print we forget to realise that theres actually alot of everything else of your partner that we hve to go through with them. only then the happy moment will actually come right? i wonder if everyone remembers to read the fine print before signing up coz i dont wanna be a burden. then it means i might have to not like myself a little bit more.

i know im being loved, i know im being cared for i know im worth someones time. sometimes knowing is never enough especially with someone who thinks alot like me. when theres so much going on and i cant figure out why the fuck am i even feeling like theres a hole that no matter what i do the hole cant be filled, maybe just maybe WORDS rather than KNOWING will be a source of comfort, i dont know. if only you could open my skull and look inside there will be so many twisted wires that i cant seem to put straight and probably right in the middle there will be a big hole, emptiness that i dont know what only i can fill it in with to feel satisfied. maybe its just this studies, i dont know when the hell im gonna get my degree or maybe coz im just tired of me. i hope singapore will be a good change. it has to be. im moving just for a different enviroment. just so i can explore something new and get away. of coz get away with the boyfie or nothing is gonna be meaningfull.

theres so many things and feeling i wish i could put forward and tell everyone that needs to know how much i cherish and love them. how much only a bunch full of people i want to care and make happy. if i count there will probably 5 or 6. the rest of them seem only like another person. no connection or bond i tot there was before is actually even real. only these 5 or 6 i know will hold me close till the end. my gut instinct is telling me that. so why waste time with the rest?

god, what did i say? there SO MUCH going on up there. im tired of thinking. maybe writting it down will help.

change is the only constant.

even science says so.

feel.write.love.

you know you REALLY love someone when you know that no matter whatever happens, even if you yourself will be happy or not, you will be ever ready to make the other person happy. you will do whatever it takes just so you wont dissapoint them. always wanting to look polished, right and not giving the slightest hint to them that you might break to pieces with whatever you have to deal with at that moment. suddenly from ME it becomes YOU, from i dont give two shits bout anyone but i only bother bout making myself happy to sacrificing ME for YOU.

i know im making it sound like its such agony to love. nope. thats the last thing ill want this to mean. lets put it this way instead, you know you are in love when everything, every breath, every minute, every emotion, every movement, every warm feeling in you heart, every smile you will wanna link it back to ther person that managed to convince you that he/she is worth every single thing, breath, minute, emotion and movement you have to offer. its so special that you will want to be all this. you will want to do whatever it takes for them to be happy and satisfied. maybe thats why we get so dissapointed when things are not as mutual as we would expect it to be coz we know we gave everything we could right down to the last cell in your body.

right now, you make me have wonderful feelings that i never had. no matter how much i tried have feelings and stop being numb, i never could. but with you im probably the most vulnerable person i would ever know. just for you. and im loving every second of thoughts i have of you.

miss this.

im going to start blogging again. who cares if anyone is following or not. like i said this is where i record my journey of life. looking back at previous post, happy or sad it makes me remember what happened and what i really felt and how i appreciate or shoud act now. in a subtle way this will probably teach me to enable a future thats designed to be rather than one thats repeated.