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circumstances

2011-06-05T00:44:00.001-07:00

so many cirsumstances,

so many cross roads,

so many turns,

so many decisions,

so many options,

when u think about it, just one different decision could have made us not know each other.

JUST ONE.

this world has soooo many possibilities and we fell in love with each other.

whats meant to be will happen and being with you made many things worth it for me. everything feels fresh and exciting and happy. that warm fuzzy feeling i get when im with you, the foolish smile from one ear to another when u say something nice. oh gosh if only i can really describe how you make me feel! i know we have our SILLY arguments but that makes us, us and not to mention makes ur know each other in so many levels. im swinming in a puddle of love. =p

hugs and big kisses love.

i know how my posts are so very lovey dovey.

i cant help it.

writting what i feel.

fuzzy fuzzy heart.

whinny queen of outburst

2011-05-31T23:54:00.000-07:00

yes, im behaving like a whinny queen of outburst. actually when u think about it, i whine and torture only myself. numerous monolouges. and trust me i can sooooooo torture my brains with it. its such a pity to those who will eventually get the impact of my outburst. of cause most of time its the boyfie that gets it. i wonder if outbursting is part of a package or deal when u sign up for a relationship. normally we sign up to be happy and share all happy moments but at the fine print we forget to realise that theres actually alot of everything else of your partner that we hve to go through with them. only then the happy moment will actually come right? i wonder if everyone remembers to read the fine print before signing up coz i dont wanna be a burden. then it means i might have to not like myself a little bit more.

i know im being loved, i know im being cared for i know im worth someones time. sometimes knowing is never enough especially with someone who thinks alot like me. when theres so much going on and i cant figure out why the fuck am i even feeling like theres a hole that no matter what i do the hole cant be filled, maybe just maybe WORDS rather than KNOWING will be a source of comfort, i dont know. if only you could open my skull and look inside there will be so many twisted wires that i cant seem to put straight and probably right in the middle there will be a big hole, emptiness that i dont know what only i can fill it in with to feel satisfied. maybe its just this studies, i dont know when the hell im gonna get my degree or maybe coz im just tired of me. i hope singapore will be a good change. it has to be. im moving just for a different enviroment. just so i can explore something new and get away. of coz get away with the boyfie or nothing is gonna be meaningfull.

theres so many things and feeling i wish i could put forward and tell everyone that needs to know how much i cherish and love them. how much only a bunch full of people i want to care and make happy. if i count there will probably 5 or 6. the rest of them seem only like another person. no connection or bond i tot there was before is actually even real. only these 5 or 6 i know will hold me close till the end. my gut instinct is telling me that. so why waste time with the rest?

god, what did i say? there SO MUCH going on up there. im tired of thinking. maybe writting it down will help.

change is the only constant.

even science says so.

feel.write.love.

2011-05-30T10:52:00.000-07:00

you know you REALLY love someone when you know that no matter whatever happens, even if you yourself will be happy or not, you will be ever ready to make the other person happy. you will do whatever it takes just so you wont dissapoint them. always wanting to look polished, right and not giving the slightest hint to them that you might break to pieces with whatever you have to deal with at that moment. suddenly from ME it becomes YOU, from i dont give two shits bout anyone but i only bother bout making myself happy to sacrificing ME for YOU.

i know im making it sound like its such agony to love. nope. thats the last thing ill want this to mean. lets put it this way instead, you know you are in love when everything, every breath, every minute, every emotion, every movement, every warm feeling in you heart, every smile you will wanna link it back to ther person that managed to convince you that he/she is worth every single thing, breath, minute, emotion and movement you have to offer. its so special that you will want to be all this. you will want to do whatever it takes for them to be happy and satisfied. maybe thats why we get so dissapointed when things are not as mutual as we would expect it to be coz we know we gave everything we could right down to the last cell in your body.

right now, you make me have wonderful feelings that i never had. no matter how much i tried have feelings and stop being numb, i never could. but with you im probably the most vulnerable person i would ever know. just for you. and im loving every second of thoughts i have of you.

miss this.

2011-05-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

im going to start blogging again. who cares if anyone is following or not. like i said this is where i record my journey of life. looking back at previous post, happy or sad it makes me remember what happened and what i really felt and how i appreciate or shoud act now. in a subtle way this will probably teach me to enable a future thats designed to be rather than one thats repeated.

fragile. handle with care.

2010-10-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

its true what my mom said.
when the time comes, and someone very important to you other than you family tells you something you rather not hear, its gonna really hit you hard. just simply because you have been with your family for your whole life. so whatever they say is merely like a broken record on repeat. and of cause because this other person out of nowhere is just so relevant in your everyday life that whatever they say matters coz u dont wanna make them feel bad? or its just coz u somehow have a high percentage of wanting to be accepted more? i dont know. just go with the flow alright?
and so, when certain things are said it just hits real bad. like you dont know how to react. i mean if its family, you'll probably say "i know laaaa" or "what nowww" or "can you all just stop it uh?" or the best thing is to shrug and walk away from the excruciating scene of truth and denial.

but why are we engineered this way? we turn so fragile around certain people even when we are those people who can take a bullet without any expressions. suddenly, from not taking things seriously, everything becomes extra important. not to forget that it hurts more. its so weird. looks like its really about time i do something coz whatever said although said with so much good oozing in it, it still made me feel horrible for not trying hard enough. im such a slacker. i dont wanna continue feeling like this
i wanna be different. and looks like i have another reason to be different. a very important reason. a reason filled with hopes.
loving every moment.

♥

a reason for a reason.

2010-10-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

after considering if this blog should exist, i came up with my final conclusion. it should just be here and move with time. just so i can see what really happened in the past. simply because i know i come here to weirdly turn and twist when i write what i really feel at that time or whatever i found interesting at that time. and im pretty sure whenever i go thru my old posts i can either laugh at myself for being so foolish or pat my back for thinking properly. this is just a little proof of who i was and how i was in a certain situation life had to give me with time. and not to mention that im gonna burden anyone with my sometimes very weird tots. it may not be the awesomest blog in town for other people. but its gonna act as a little reminder for me =).

so random.

♥

melts

2010-09-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

no matter how terrible it feels,
somethings said by people that matter can just melt all those unwanted worries away.
the imy call was all i needed.

♥

peace

2010-09-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

thanks for making things seem like infinity. just when i tot things will be okay, its back to freaking square one.
i understand.
deep inside i feel like its gonna be a problem understanding too much.
at the same time, its just too easy to not be angry at the end of the day.
idontknow.
im new to this genuine stuff.
i dont know how things should be or not be.
all i know is that im ready.
i guess somethings are built to make us a certain way.
yet again, they also say alot of things are not build to last. oh wait, with this tot, it just means one thing, miss i-think-too-much is here.
whatever this is,
im liking it in a weird way.
and i really hope its not in a wrong way.
all i know its when theres just you and me it feels like theres no one else around. just us in our own little world without a mask or a sheild.

gahhh.
if this is how its supposed to be, it will be.
when the time comes, everything will be crystal clear then ill know its all worth it. atleast i hope it will be.
i really need peace for everything right now!
imy.

♥

help me shut my senses.

2010-09-06T22:07:00.000-07:00

when everything perfect goes wrong the one and only person you know you can count on is god.
no matter what, we human will only make things worse somehow. the miscommunication, the over working brain, the insecurities. i wanna shut my senses to stop this hurt.
so,
lord please help me make the perfect, perfect again. i know, perfection is over rated but whatever i had is perfect enough for me. the little little complains is just coz im human. when u think back, i should not even utter a word of dislike coz for once i actually felt contented. i know im a very contradicting person but right now i cant handle this opposite side. please tell me its just me again and everything will be fine?

♥

finally. like really finally!

2010-08-23T00:45:00.000-07:00

today i just feel like writting about how awesome and greatfull, blessed and happy and of cause "delightful" i feel. i know, its like some normal post where ull see on other peoples blog whinning about themselves without a moral of the story. i rarely do that so give me a chance to be full of myself today okay all ye kind souls out there =D

finally, all those ACCA people got their exams results. if u ask me ever since i started this, this will always be the day that ill wanna freak out and die!
but but but,
god who has always been uber kind to me decided to give me a HUGE boost in my confidence level today. thank god everything turned out fine. i mean the results. even if it wasn perfect atleast the majority brought me good news. now thinking back, i think god really did have a plan for me. he probably wanted me to drill tax and costing right into my head that he made me repeat those 2 papers. if not coz of that, trust me, ill be just walking pass ACCA without having much understanding and probably turn out to be a very dumb accountant
. love u la jesus. =p
im really happy that i can finally move on. and im much closer to being able to be who i wanna be. im happy that atleast now i know im not letting my parents down. even when they are always encouraging me even when im being really shitty without making me actually feel shitty i know they would have felt terrible. now, im very sure they must feel awesome too. if not for them, saarah mariee will remain shitty. what can i say, im blessed with really good people around me. my parents, my siblings my 3, 4 relatives.. hehe and my friends.
now its up to me to work hard and get to my degree without losing this mojo ive just gained. lets all pray for each others well being okay?
=D

PEACE.

♥

idontknow.

2010-08-10T07:48:00.000-07:00

after a long eager wait,
all you will want is to hear what you want to hear.
i mean, thats the least that you can hope for right?
not the awkward anger that is heard because of a small question asked so innocently without any hint of seriousness.
suddenly it feels like its getting hard to get across a simply tiny anything.
even the frustration shouldn do this because at the end of the day there is a reason for waiting.
you wait to feel better.
please tell me its nothing and it will be okay?
because for now, i cant really handle even the softest blow =(.
its surprising, especially for me, but thats how much this matters.

♥

fastforward please?

2010-07-21T04:31:00.000-07:00

every hour feels like years!
and,
days are taking forever to get to the next.
like seriously.
argh!

♥

now or never! (i hope)

2010-07-18T22:58:00.000-07:00

when you think you are no where near perfect, think of all those thats way worse than you. those that were not given a chance to even be normal. these past few days has been a rollercoaster. its difficult to know if its okay or not to be who you are. i dont know. its difficult but at the same time if you dont try then you are just being a sore loser isn it? why is it so hard for me to be determined to do something. im those people who almost always let my surrounding take over my inital plan. im 21 now. thats sooo adult right? its really really really time for me to plan a change and stick to it. like really do it already. if not now, when right? i surely dont wanna feel this way 10 years down the road. im sure it will suck more.

♥

that happy place.

2010-07-16T22:32:00.000-07:00

whats the point of having a blog and not actually posting anything out right? so now its either i close this blog or post something! i think ill go with the second option since its actually not a bad idea to blabber loads of nonsense here without actually whinning to an actual person who might wanna slap you 5 times! =p

and so, loads have been happening.
almost everytime, everything seems to be awesome but of cause there are those moments where the awesome will turn out to be not so awesome. not because unawesome stuffs actually directly happens, its just coz of the whole "saarah thinks too much all the time" issue. arghhhh! wish i could hide that side of me like forever coz its fucking annoying i tell you!!!! (pardon the outburst) why is it so hard to take things as it comes and appreciate everything that has been said without having that hint of insecurity? that very very very little doubt and insecurity its actually a normal thing that everyone has in them right? unless you are just very naive then im sure you wont be having this irritating problem.

i think everyone, no matter how confident you are mr.insecurity will be more than happy to slap your face every now and then. i mean when you are flying high there always has to be something eager to pull you down right? and not to forget mr.kepoh who urges you to kepoh like nobody's bz and then lead to all those insecurity rubbish. i mean, i know everything already happened way longggggggg ago. key word LONG AGO. but why is it still annoying when you see certain stuffs that is still there (of cause not on purpose). why is it still not a 100% when you important people almost always tells you what you wanna hear. the assuarance is given all the time even without you asking for it. what more do you want saarah mariee!? gawddd.

i think im gonna make this the last time i do all this kepoh nonsense work thats not bringing me anywhere i wanna be. old is gonna stay old. im not gonna go thru that again.byebye, its over, its done. lets just concentrate on what matters most. as cheesy as its gonna sounds, this time, i know im not in someething stupid, and its something i actually want.for once it feels RIGHT. thats a good start isn it? =D (esp coming from me.. hehe) its about time i enjoy the love, the friendship, the security and everything else awesome coming from everyone that is actually having the same concious like i have.
correct people? =D

no matter what,
it all comes down to one thing. how prepared and confident you are, is the only thing thats gonna measure how well everything is gonna turn out.
(having my trying to be all matured moment =p)

wah, that was a very whinny long post for someone who haven blogged for a long time.. sorrryyy.. hehe

♥

why so fastttttt!?

2010-07-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

felt like it was just a few days ago i posted out my last blogpost saying my exams are over! and my holidays are starting!
but in a blink of an eye my holidays are over!, and im gonna start school and results will be out before i know it!!!!
i dont wanttttt.. i wanna just roll around without any guilt! arghhhhh!
(im so turning into a whinny monkey)

its so over.

2010-06-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

exams are so overrrr! =D and it feels so good.
excluding the feeling where im still feeling guilty when im out like as if i should be back early and study. hehe

anyways,
loads of good stuffs to anticipate this week =D cant wait!
theres so much of pending things to do, small vacations to enjoy, freak out sessions and whatever i can do in this 2 weeks!

and oh people, please pray for my results okay? pretty please? thanksee!

♥

♥

2010-05-18T22:23:00.000-07:00

has been so long since i blogged.
hmmm, nothing much to be said.
everything is back to how it was one month ago.
alot of waiting to be done,
alot of studying to be done.
im sure this time around its gonna be way worse considering the fact that so much more time has been spent together.
vll see how it goes eih?

gonna go missing till the exams are over. wish me luck people. muacks.

♥

especially for u weiwei!

2010-04-16T21:11:00.000-07:00

(since u r so into fat-assing! im dedicating this special post for you! sayang weiwei =p)

iPad!

2010-04-12T21:02:00.000-07:00

iPad, apple's new invention bla bla bla.. if u still dont know what it really is watch this video =p

♥

what would i do without them?

2010-04-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

when i ask to smile, next time smile okay? see now. ish

pictures are suppose to say a thousand words right?,
therefore this is my

as asuall, very awesome weekend in a summary=)

♥

uncertainty. the usual rantings.

2010-04-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

its just uncertainty taking over.
hopes will always be there.
only time will tell.
(how ironic considering the fact i was talking bout time in my post before this)
uncertainty will always be there when communication goes almost down to zero. maybe not uncertainty just insecurities and way too much of thinking (something im very good at.)
at the end of the day i really pray ill look back and laugh at me being such a fool for even having this to rather than dwelling in a whole "I TOLD YOU SO SAARAH" moment.

nah, deff thinking too much! usual rantings. nnaaansense. i think im just finding stuffs to write just coz i got a new blog. semangated =p
peace!

♥

time

2010-04-06T20:50:00.000-07:00

TIME is either moving wayyyyyy too slowly or wayyyyy too fast!
why cant it move fast when you want it to and slow down when you really need it to and just stop when everythings perfect?
for now,
i want it to move as fast as the speed of light and at the same time crawl like a tortoise coz exams are coming! ahhh!
i know im confusing but but but i really want it to be like that. dont we all?

♥

relationships

2010-03-30T20:17:00.000-07:00

relationships.
everyone seems to be getting in and out of relationships like theres no tomorrow. and those who fight to be in it just be in it for the sake of having one. whats the point right? i mean ive done my share of that. at the end of the day, this is what ull get :

happiness : 0
love : 0
drained out : VERY
self hatred : SKY HIGH
giving up on everything? : ALL THE TIME
concentration level : 0
caring bout the other person? : NONE AT ALL.
false hope for your partner? : A HUNDRED MILLION MUCH!
unfairness : INFINITY MUCH (for both parties)

and everything else negative. so, people, think before you get in something. dont just jump and grab whatever that comes your way just cause you might be feeling lonely at that time. it wont do you any good. people you find when you are not emotionally ready will always end up being the wrong person. trust me. its okay to take all the time you need to get to know someone and fully give yourself to them, (vice versa of cause) unless you are a hundred million much sure, dont commit. theres still a longggggg way to go in life. dont go looking for it, when you dont expect it, and you get it, it will be good ;p

oprah : " relationships are there to make you happy. it is NEVER there to hurt you"

(haha, dont know what got into me when i was writing this =p.)

♥

=)

2010-03-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

finally,
after all these years i know how to change my blogskin. so clever one. hehe

♥

distant

2010-03-29T22:03:00.001-07:00

remember the time when someone said they will never ever leave you no matter what even when you know deep down the day will come? even when you know it will happen you will still secretly wish it will never ever happens right? it feels like we never actually knew each other in the first place. and i dont know if talking will help or backing off is the best solution. its even harder when theres no talk about the situation. it just means assumptions are being made with no real facts. im assuming, you are assuming. argh. and and and it deff feels so distant. whatever it is, ill be ready when you are coz this is not how its meant to be.

♥

celebrating randomness.

2010-03-22T20:23:00.000-07:00

it feels like theres so much to do and im no where near finishing what im supposed to. everything feels near yet soooo far away! the one and only goal i have for now is taking ages to hit. hoping for the best. dont know what else i should do to get it, but im hoping and praying to get there with whatever way i know.

theres always always always something that will make life look like its never meant to be easy. as for now im glad its the way it is. rather not put a load on my head. a simple life will be more than i can ask for, for now. better late than never i guess?

friends just keep getting better as we get older (or maybe wiser) all those childish moments and weird arguments were not meant to be there in the first place. whatevers meant to last will last and whatever that has to go will go. im happy with all those awesome people around me now. the old ones that are still there and those i see everytime whom i know ill cherish them forever ;) and not forgetting that person whose constantly having that "love hate relationship" with me. cis bedebah =p

for a person who has zero determination its REALLY about time i start having atleast some. having big expectations on myself without any determination is really screwing things up for me. so really really really, its time to change saarah mariee. argh.

finallyyyyy,
an extra person.
maybe initially there were unending doubts but as days increase, the better this seems to get. just hope it gets better =). lets see what the next infinity days to do us. its gonna be hard but i hope theres a reason for it. a good one. i think it will be. maybe everything will seem extra betterly awesome? =p

♥

new blog. new beginning. i hope.

2010-03-20T22:33:00.000-07:00